The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. ~Will Roger

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

What's nice about our tour is you can't remember your bad shots. ~Bob Bruce, about the senior tour

Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward. ~Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well. ~Author Unknown

Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game. ~Burt Shotten

It's so bad I could putt off a tabletop and still leave the ball halfway down the leg. ~J.C. Snead, on his putting

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows. ~P.G. Wodehouse

One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water. ~Lee Trevino, describing how he was one under during a tournament

But you don't have to go up in the stands and play your foul balls. I do. ~Sam Snead, to Ted Williams, arguing which was more difficult, to hit a moving baseball or a stationary golf ball

Who watches golf on TV? Who calls eight friends over and gets a keg of beer? Landscapers, I guess. They sit around the TV, yelling, "Will you look at that golf path? Pure pea gravel." ~Jeff Cesario

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~Sam Snead

Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game. ~Phil Blackmar

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his Puerto Rican accent