TRUE GOLFERS CAN RELATE TO THIS...
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more
than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry
over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full
shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting
out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the
player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you
are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of
any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious
motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try
changing your grip.
Everyone replaces his
divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test
of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10.
Counting on your
opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun
of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count
the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if
you're still away.
There are two kinds
of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time
and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
The shortest distance
between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly
through the center of a very large tree.
If you really want
to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in
groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group
of three.
When you look up,
causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment
when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer
makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the
fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed
of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his
handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300
mph.
There are two things
you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the
position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.
Hazards attract; fairways
repel.
You can put a draw on
the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on
the ball.
A ball you can see in the
rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on
the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls
are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It's easier to get up at
6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
Sometimes it seems as
though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th
hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is
one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls
to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm
rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each
week.
A pro-shop gets its
name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional
golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a
golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his
ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has
trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight
(or worse).
You probably wouldn't
look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn
to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other
hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and
flatulate if you are performing brain surgery.